Star Bringing Purple
by Ember Nickel
Summary: Sydney writes an advice column, despite being ludicrously unqualified to dispense advice. [Writing Rainbow treat for firstlovelatespring.]


The title is from Wayside School and has nothing to do with this fic or fandom but I thought it was funny, and the rule was that I needed to include "purple" in the title.

* * *

Dear Sensational Sidney,

I had a difficult relationship with my father growing up, but I'm very happy to say we have since reconciled and are trying to be more deliberate about each other's lives. Unfortunately, he is now anxious to be a grandfather and keeps pressuring me to have kids. I'm not quite ready to give up my life of questing and adventuring yet. How can I gently tell him that the time isn't right?

Best,  
Knight Errant

Dear Errant,

Taking care of kids is hard work! I don't blame you for not wanting that pressure. It's likely that your dad has forgotten how difficult it really was. The best way to remind him is to revert to a childlike state; run around biting things, don't communicate in language, and soil your pants on a regular basis. Hopefully he'll realize that you don't deserve those responsibilities just yet.

Yours,  
Stupendous Sidney

* * *

Dear Sexy Sidney,

Although I am a fabulously talented sorceress, I am sometimes insecure about my lack of noble status. I wish to court a lovely princess of aristocratic birth, and I am afraid that her family will reject me. What is the best way to show her my sincere intentions?

Concerned,  
Valorous in Valencia

Dear Valorous,

What you need to do is show your damsel that there's nothing common about your blood. Bleed in front of her. Regularly. Preferably with dashing swoons and dramatic sighs, but I guess that making it look like an arcane ritual is cool too. Best of luck!

Serene Sidney

* * *

Hi Sid,

I'm pet-sitting my friend's dragon and it farts fire at me. How do you cure dragon flatulence?

Terrified,  
Excellent Enforcer

Dear Excellent,

There's no cure. I advise you to run, as far away as humanly possible. You may be concerned about the health of the dragon or your friend's trust in you, but a true friend would recognize that you need to put your own well-being first, and I mean, come on, dragons can fend for themselves.

Good luck,  
Safety-Conscious Sidney

* * *

Dear Stern Sidney,

I'm entertaining an evil dignitary and I think she's up to dark arts. She keeps leaving bloodstains and chicken feathers everywhere. I would like to banish her, but I believe it's important to give people second (or third or fourth) chances. Besides, she is kind of hot. How much is too much to put up with?

Sincerely,  
Pressured in the Palace

Dear Palatial,

You need to lay down the law and show her your authority. Even dastardly villains can be cowed by displays of integrity, justice, and attractive swordfighting. If that fails, invite her to early-morning sparring sessions so she can work her anger out before the day gets old.

Toodles,  
Spectacular Sidney

* * *

Dear Sweet Sid,

My boyfriend refuses to live within his means. Every time I tell him that we're simple peasants doomed to live a life of misery in a pseudo-medieval fantasy setting, he acts like we're entitled to unrealistic luxuries like an uninfested kitchen and anachronistic standards of personal hygiene. How can I lower his expectations so he's not inevitably disappointed by genre conventions?

Glumly,  
Pessimistic and Pestilent

Dear Pest,

I obviously don't know the full story here, but I think it's possible your partner may have a point. Rather than be resigned to your fate, have you considered taking up residence in an alternate universe story that changes the setting? I hear there're bunches of them these days, and some of them even keep the premise of bursting into song at odd intervals.

Hopefully,  
Spunky Sid

* * *

Dear Smart Sidney,

My two most recent ex-girlfriends are getting married to each other, and I'm a little behind on my courtly etiquette. What is the appropriate gift to bring for such an occasion? Which side of the cathedral do I sit on?

Your buddy,  
Out of Touch

Dear OOT,

It's the twelfth century, you need to be open-minded! The ethical and thoughtful gift would be a nice chamber pot handcrafted by a diverse group of peasants. As for where to sit; nowhere. You need to stand guard in the back of the service so you can fend off any invasions of cannibal elves should the need arise, to both groups' of guests' gratitude. (Or just to intimidate the monks if they go on too long, the perpetual singing can really get to you.)

Thoughtfully,  
Slayin' Sidney


End file.
